selfie game
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You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
PLEASE READ
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
They say women only use 10% of their anger
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.