[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda