I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
You Might Also Like
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Hard not to take this personally
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans