If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
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[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
These are my emotional support Pringles.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.