According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
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Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.