is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
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[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.