Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.