Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
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me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb