Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
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Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Does this dress make me look cat?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?