I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
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JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too