A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.