If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
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I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.