Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads