[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
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I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I hope they boil the right one.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee