Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps