is this a threat
You Might Also Like
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.