Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
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Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.