Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
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I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Terribly Tuesday.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My dad teaching me to drive
Why is everyone getting married at me
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine