Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
good morning
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.