Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
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Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Is your wife single?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
he’s doing your taxes
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Wait a minute
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.