I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
You Might Also Like
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently