I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
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“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
#inspiration #foodforthought
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Selfie
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.