I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Sniffing the broccoli
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Yeah. This was me today.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.