Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.