Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
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If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Y’all ready for this
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen