Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
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Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.