Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here