*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name