Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
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I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Google Pay be like:
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Seems kinda suspicious
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade