Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
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Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
good morning
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.