“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
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And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
i could never be president. im overqualified.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Stop making fast and furious movies.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”