*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
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Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.