It’s a gift
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[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT