[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down