*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
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*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.