If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
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The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me if I was a dog
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.