This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
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EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Worlds greatest photobomb
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
They’re on their honeymoon
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.