genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
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“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I think this should do it.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
how to have fun when you’re poor
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*