I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Raisins are grape jerky.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya