I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.