I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
✌🏽
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
these two trucks have the same bed length
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?