Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school