Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
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chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.