I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
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Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.