[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.