If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
You Might Also Like
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Labreador
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction