In banana years, I am bread.
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Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I bet birds love this building.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
#dnd #ttrpg