My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
crochet youtube is brutal
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.