This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”