If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
hi why am I like this
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Me My dog
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*